Friendship

I've been having a lot of struggles lately, not with anything super major or life threatening or scary. I'm just trying to figure out why I end up in friendships that often seem so one sided. How is it that things seem to only go one way. To be honest I think I'm a fun and interesting person to hang out with. I never seemed to have a problem finding friends when I was in High School or even college. Maybe I should say that I do have a few friends but, all of my really good and true and honest friends seem to live far away. My entire life I've had a "best friend" that "bosom friend" like Anne of Green Gables. When you do have friends like this I then you really have to treasure them. Of course I have an awesome relationship with my husband and ultimately Nate is my very best and closest friend. Sometimes though you just need a "girl-friend". The kind of friendship that is effortless to maintain because you are always willing to do anything for them. You know that they would be there for you when your in a pickle. Maybe I should just stop trying to be best friends with family because that is where all the frustration and heart ache seems to come from anyway. Maybe the problem is just ME. Maybe, thats the answer. Maybe I'm not a good friend, or maybe I don't know how to be a good friend. This can't be right, I've always been a loyal and giving and compassionate friend. I genuinely care about people and what they are going through. I pray for my friends when they are struggling and I hurt when they are hurting. I just don't understand. I was able to spend the entire day with a "bosom friend" between the 2 of us we have a bunch of kids. :) She was having a difficult time, her family is just getting over the flu, her house was a disaster, she is supposed to leave for a 2 week trip tomorrow morning and she wasn't packed, laundry wasn't done and she was overwhelmed. I just happened to have all the kids up and ready really early this morning and when she called at 9am we were out the door w/in 15 minutes and even though she lives an hour away we all went. I took soup, childrens's tylenol and motrin, I also took chocolate chip cookies I made yesterday. I got there and the kids started playing in the play room and I rolled up my sleeves and went to work. I was there 6 hours and by the end of the day the work was all done and she was all packed and by looking at her you could see that the weight of the world was lifted off of her shoulders. It takes a true friend to allow you to seem them when the are so vulnerable and at their worst and to be honest I didn't even care and I never have. I don't care what state your house is in. I don't care if you haven't showered in a week. I don't care if you've been barfed on or your laundry pile is taller than your refrigerator. I just don't care. What matters to me is that when you look at me and I look at you we only EVER see the very best in each other. I can only hope that on the days when I'm neck deep in the spoils of life that my very best friend can look at me and see THIS: That a good Mom sometimes skips a shower in the morning to take care of a child who is sick because holding them is what they need the most. A good mom says who cares about the dishes when they are holding back the hair of a little one with the flu. A good mom may have a messy playroom because it's full of books and dolls and all sorts of things to stimulate little minds and help them grow. A good mom's counters are covered with scraps from a project that she made to give to those she loves and cares about for Christmas. Not a gift that was just picked up and purchased from the store but a gift that was completely made by hand and crafted with love. These are just a few examples of what I hope that my dear and close friends would see of me in difficult times. It is my goal to only look for the GOOD. I will do better and be better. Another thing I think that good friends do is let things go! Just let it go! If someone has done something to hurt your feelings ... really think about it. Did they do that to intentionally hurt you or not? If someone has offended you then talk to them and let them know. I would never be offended if a friend said to me that I hurt their feelings. I would want to know so that I could do whatever I could to apologize and fix or make up for whatever it is I did wrong. When friends do things and they know they are going to hurt you that is different and, very difficult to digest. I'm struggling with that very thing right now which is the reason I'm having this cathartic escape with the computer. At the end of the day I know what I will and MUST do. I will forgive, I will accept and I will utilize the atonement in my life to get over the hurt and frustration caused. I will also pray for help to make sure that I'm never the cause of such circumstances for someone else. Why not fix the problems in your life with the ultimate example of a Friend? The best and most important friends in your life are going to be those that uplift and inspire you to do and be better. The Savior is a Perfect example of a friend. I am so thankful that my elder Brother Jesus Christ gave his life for ME. He didn't have to do that. He chose to do it. So maybe next time someone is doing something nice for you and you say "You don't have to do that" you can think gosh they don't have to do that but, they are choosing to do it. Well I think I've said all I needed to say. Since I'm home alone tonight w/ 3 sleeping boys I need to get this all off of my chest. Now that I feel much better about my journey. A toast to better friends and more importantly being a better friend. Good night.

Ahh... I missed yesterday. Oh well I'm still doing pretty good. For some reason Todd and Christian are sleeping in his morning it's almost 8am and neither of them are up. Wow, treat for me. Ender had a different Idea this morning so I'm awake. I have a lot to catch up on today and I have to start disinfecting the house after our bout with the flu. Feeling abnormally happy this morning.

Sorry

Well I've been really sick for the last 2 days so, I haven't kept up on my blogging goal. I'm too tired to write now anyway. G-NIGHT

#3 Ender

This pregnancy was in some ways more difficult than the other 2. I started having contractions early in the pregnancy but, this wasn't totally abnormal for me. I started the braxton hicks at like 20 weeks with both the other boys. My blood pressure stayed normal for the entire thing and no sign of protein in the urine so toxemia didn't seem to be an issue this time thank goodness. I was seeing a Doctor in the beginning that I didn't like at all. I was referred to him by a friend. I just didn't like him. I started having heart problems. PVC's premature ventricular contractions. I was sent to a cardiologist early in my pregnancy so that they could monitor my heart throughout the duration of the pregnancy. It was hard to have such serious problems during what should be one of the happiest times of your life. When I first found out I was pregnant I have to admit I wasn't all that thrilled. In fact I just cried. Don't get me wrong I was excited to have a new little baby and to be a Mom for the 3rd time. It was just so close to having Christian and I really had a hard time after Christian was born. Christian was only 6 months old when we found out we were expecting #3. I knew right away that I was pregnant. It didn't take me long to get over my hesitations about having our 3rd so fast. There are certainly benefits. It became difficult towards the end to take care of the house and the boys and I was working as well. It became so painful just to walk, normal chores were just out of the question. I couldn't even do the laundry. Thank goodness to Nate's Mom Jill who came to help us out for a little bit at about 35 weeks. She did all my laundry and would just show up and tell me to take a nap while Christian was napping. It really meant the world to me. It was hard to admit that I needed help and that I couldn't do it on my own. In this case I had no choice. I really was in way over my head. It seemed no matter how much I really wanted to do, I was just physically unable to do it. It sure didn't stop me from trying though. During the 3rd week of June the contractions were coming so often and they just didn't seem to stop. I went into labor and delivery and they were at 5 minutes apart, we were however more than 5 weeks early. They gave me a shot to try to slow down the contractions. They basically knocked me out for 24 hrs. They wanted me to go into see the doc and be checked the next day to see if the contractions were making me dialate or not. When I was checked she said I was dialating but they wanted to see if I could make it until my next appointment which was scheduled on Friday the 26th. 5 days, I wasn't so sure I was going to make it that long. I told the nurse practitioner, that I wasn't sure I was going to make it till Friday. She said, the way things are going and this being your number 3 I'm not so sure you'll make it till tomorrow. Well it was a miracle that I made it till Friday. I assumed it would be a routine appointment. I was still 4 weeks early and I thought there is no way they are going to take me this early. But, I could feel and I knew that Ender was ready. If he hadn't been breach I would have gone into labor much, much sooner. After being checked by the doctor I was at a 3. Not too bad, but I thought oh they are going to send me home and say see you in a week. While I was there though I was having contractions still, Dr. Broberg (I switched doctors in the middle of my pregnancy, thank goodness) said he wanted me to go down to labor and delivery so that they could monitor my contractions. Then he said that we might be having this baby today. I wasn't so sure. You know you get your hopes up so many times only to be sent home or they knock you out to stop the contractions. Well I got into labor and delivery and was monitored for an hour or so. They noticed that the babies heart rate was just through the roof. They do the best they can not to alarm you but, you can tell when something is wrong. I would stay lying down for a while but when I would get up to use the bathroom which was only a few feet away, I would lie back down his heart rate would go nuts. This was enough confirmation for the doctor. It wasn't safe for Ender anymore. If me walking just a couple of feet to the bathroom was doing this to his heart rate he had to come out immediately. The baby was obviously in distress and my body had been telling me this for weeks. What are you supposed to do though when he is breach and you won't go into active labor until his head engages. (Not going to happen when he's upside down) Well by this point Nate was already at the hospital. I called him from work when the doctor sent me to labor and delivery. We weren't prepared. I didn't have my overnight bag or a camera or anything. We certainly were not prepared for what was about to happen. After trying to get people together to help watch our other two boys I was so discouraged. Jill had plans that day to meet with her brother who had a layover in SLC and she hadn't seen him in 4 yrs. She had told me prior to my dr's appointment that this was very important to her and she had been helping me out so much. I couldn't/wouldn't ask her to skip seeing her brother to watch the boys. So we started calling everyone we knew. My best friend Esther was out of town. She took Todd when Christian was born. Nobody seemed to really want to help. Everyone seemed "put out" by us even asking. After contacting everyone we knew I just cried, I was sure I was going to have to have this baby alone while Nate went home to watch the other 2 boys. It all worked out, Nate's brother Tyler was able to sit with the boys for a couple of hours and my friend from the ward called to see how I was doing. She said I was riding my bike past your house and was thinking about you, how are you? She didn't even know it but, tears were streaming down my face as I talked to her on the phone and explained the situation. She said I'd be happy to put the boys to bed and stay with them until Nate gets back. I was so relieved. In a time when I really thought I had nobody to help, Heavenly Father heard my plea and sent help to me. Well as soon as that was all settled they wheeled me into the OR and the anesthesiologist came in and put that long needle into my spine. (This causes so much anxiety for me it's the hardest part about having a baby.) But, it wasn't so terrible. I was numbed up in no time and the baby was out in less than 30 minutes. I didn't know what to expect. Todd and Christian had been so very different from one another I thought for sure that this one would look nothing like the other 2. He came out and started crying a big healthy cry. They showed him to me and he looked identical to Christian. I mean identical. The only difference I could see was he was a little smaller and he had the same stork bite on his forhead that Todd did. They had some help from a respiratory therapist and s few people from the neonatal unit there to assist since the baby was so early. They were cleaning him up and I was watching. He looked pink and healthy and perfect. And, then there was silence. Ender had stopped crying. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I was still being worked on, I was completely numb and utterly helpless. He turned completely blue right in front of my eyes. They were frantically working on him trying to get him to breathe. It didn't seem to be working. Then the anesthesiologist stepped in front of me so that I couldn't see anymore. I was so scared. I was just praying so hard, please don't take him. I worked so hard to get him here, you just gave him to us. I'm not ready to let go yet. The room was so cold and silent, then they were able to resuscitate him and they whisked him off to the NICU. I'll follow up w/ the next blog about the rest of this. It is bringing back too many difficult memories and I need a break.

Thanksgiving

Yeah, the pathology report came back today and its clear. No cancerous cells found at this time. He want's to see me in 6 months to repeat the tests and check for growth. Gosh, this is such a relief. All week all I could think about was my grandma and how sick she was for so long. She lived for like 8-10 yrs with a trach because of cancer in her throat and now here I am only 28 and fearing the same thing. I am so relieved. This doesn't mean I'm completely out of the woods but, it does mean I can sleep well and just move forward. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. There is still a lesson to be learned in this. I have no control over what is going to happen. I only have control over how I react and the way I feel. Which kind of means I do have all of the control. A super thanks to my Father in Heaven who knows me and hears my prayers and watches over and protects my family. What a comfort! I couldn't have been blessed with a better life. I have the best Husband and the cutest kids ever. I am truly overwhelmed with gratitude. Happy Turkey Month.

My parents visit in August.

My parents came out in August to see the kids and Ender. It was a blast. I only wish we had more time. My Dad and Nate spent most of the time in the basement doing the drywall. Next time they come I hope we get to spend less time working and more time playing. I really miss my parents. They are such good people and they have the biggest hearts. While they were here they did a great job of spoiling the boys. Toys and treats and a giant wooden swingset with a slide and a little play house. My mom even got them a water table thing to play with. I tried to talk my Mom out of spending so much but, it didn't work. She and my Dad feel bad that they can help my siblings with their kids but now ours because we are so far away. So I guess they were trying to make up for it all at once. :) My Mom finally said; "Stephanie, you need to let your Father and I do this." She explained that it makes them feel like they are helping in someway. They kids just fell in love with them and kids really seem to like my Dad. Pappy became the cat's meow. Even now months later when we need something from the basement Todd asks if pappy is down there. lol. My Dad had his b-day while he was here so we took him to Ruby River for a steak, we had a good time out. It was nice.

Happy Wednesday

Today should be interesting. 3rd day with the H1N1, the boys seem to be recovering well. I have so much to do its not funny. I'm thinking about going back to work nights. It will depend on the results of my biopsy of course. I should get those today. Of course they told me I would have them by Monday. We've been asked to meet with the bishopric tonight, probably so they can get to know us. Since we have a new ward and bishopric. I've been hesitant to think about what might happen with the biopsy. I just wish they would call and get it over with. I feel like someone set a brick on my brain and until its removed I can't seem to focus on much else. I might have to say goodbye to my thyroid either way. I have so much to get down in my blog to catch up for everything I missed the last couple years.

The boys are hilarious. Todd suprises us everyday by saying something funny or more "adult" than expected. He will often talk at dinner and just say beep beep for no reason, or in the middle of a sentence. Christian is funny too. He loves to spin in circles, take naps and play. He is quite a little bully. He is often knocking Todd over and instigating. He is my most lovey boy. Ender he is still so new. He is starting to laugh but it is few and far between. My other kids seemed to laugh for everything. Ender is much more serious. He isn't so bad when it comes to sleeping. Todd was terrible and Christian was great at sleeping. Ender is in the middle. He's not terrible and he's not great. He really loves to spend time in his "bumpo" so that he can see everyone around him.

Well I have a lot of work to do today so, I'll think of a story I missed today and I'll write it later.

All curled up.

The boys are pretty much down for the count. Not to much running around going on today. It is kind of sad to see them like this. I suppose it will be a cartoon and soup day today. Lets hope for a speedy recover and no complications. I miss my mom. Its days like today I could really use her support and love. I'm still anxious about the biopsy report. They still don't have it back yet. Hopefully they will give me a call today. I hate having tests done on a Friday. You never know when you'll get it back and you have to wait all weekend for it then you have to wait for them to get moving on Monday so, no results until Tuesday. Come on now. :) Either way, not much I can do about it. Some threads on facebook have brought up some buried memories of highschool. Things I still haven't been able to let go. People I haven't been able to forgive. I will never understand some people. I know it is my place to forgive all. I don't know why I've been harboring feelings for almost 10years. It really isn't worth it. Not sure how to let it go. I'll have to keep praying and do some soul searching. It is just really hard when someone has hurt you so bad. They don't even know how bad. Maybe I need to write her a letter of apology and get it all out. I hope she is not teaching anymore because it would be a disservice to all who had her.

H1N1

All of the boys have come down with H1N1. It hasn't been as bad as expected yet. Todd seems to be struggling with it the most. His fever doesn't seem to stay down as well as I would like even after motrin and tylenol. It is hard to see them struggle when they are sick. He wanted to go out in the yard today to play and Christian and Nate and the baby were all asleep so I told him he could. It was like 60 degrees here today so he put on a sweat shirt and his sneakers and went out. He didn't last very long before he just ran out of steam. Poor guy. He would play like that most of the day. 15 minutes of playing 20 minutes curled up on the couch. That was his entire day. He seemed quite frustrated as well that he had an accident in his underwear when he has been potty trained for a few months now. Christian is just as feisty and wiry as always. This doesn't seem to be slowing him down. The only thing I seem to notice with him is he takes really long naps. Today he took a 5 hour nap. Other than that his fever is staying down with the tylenol and motrin and he has a runny nose. So for him its not too bad. Ender just seems to have a runny nose and be cranky. So this all seems to be much more mild than expected. It beat Nate up pretty hard today too. The doc said that he is able to go to work as long as he's not coughing. He hasn't had a cough at all throughout this entire thing so after a day sleeping I'm sure he'll be ready to go back tomorrow.
I bought Ender a BUMPO today and he loves it! He sits up perfectly in it and he seems so happy in it. I think he thinks he's a part of whats going on now. It's cute. I'm still waiting for the results of the biopsy. I asked the doctor while I was in the office today with the boys but, he said they are still reviewing things so no answer quite yet.

Not off to a good start.

I wanted to post something every day but, I botched up my blog so that it wouldn't work and I was just able to get it fixed again. Well it's Sunday and all of the boys are sick. Not, super sick but runny noses and fevers. They all seem to be dealing pretty well with it. Even Nate is sick. I'm the only one that doesn't seem to be. So, I'm going t0 church alone today. Wow, Can't remember the last time that happened. They boys had a great time last night trick or treating. Christian only made it half-way down the street before he had to come back and go to sleep. He just couldn't stay up any later. Poor guy. I'll post some pictures.